Ordinary, traditional Americans have long scratched our heads wondering how those on the left live such lives of contradiction. Maybe this will shed some light on their tangled thinking…
From the mind of a liberal–
Abortion: I shouldn’t be punished with a baby just for having a little fun. And someone else should pay for it because I’m calling it healthcare.
Affirmative action: Puts people who agree with me in line ahead of people who don’t.
Atheism: I can do anything I like and nobody should be able to tell me it’s wrong.
Bank: Greedy business that gives money to other people but won’t give any to me even though they have more than they need.
Bill of Rights: Where it says the government gives me the right to do what I want. I want it fixed because it stopped before listing the stuff government is supposed to give me.
Birth Control: See abortion.
Business: Greedy people who won’t give me all the money I want so I can do whatever I want.
Capital punishment: Racist death penalty for being the wrong color while doing what you like, such as eradicating cops, taking what you want from people who don’t need it as bad as you do, and when stupid people stumble into your protest.
Christianity: Their churches want my money, so screw ’em. And they claim I’m going to eventually be punished for what I like to do.
Climate Change: Businesses and corporations are so evil they even manage to screw the entire planet.
Communism: Paradise, where the government gives us whatever we want and need for free.
Compassion: Government, businesses, corporations, churches giving me what I want.
Congress: People in the government who get free stuff for me.
Conservative: People who disagree with me.
Constitution: Guarantees me the right to do anything I want and requires the government to provide everything for me.
Cop: Someone who wants to punish me for doing what I like to have a little fun.
Corporations: Greedy people who have so much money they should give some of it to me.
Court: Where people like me take people who don’t agree with us to make them do what we want them to do, such as shut up, let us do whatever we want and agree that we aren’t doing anything wrong.
Crime: What cops call it when someone disagrees when you do what you want to them or their stuff, even though you like doing it.
Discrimination: When I don’t get my special place at the front of the line. Or when I do something the cops don’t like and get arrested.
Economy: Measured by government numbers telling me how the stupid people are doing trying to get what they want from businesses and corporations.
Education: Where you learn and agree that the government is supposed to take care of me and give me free stuff; where I learn to change the world so I don’t have to change myself.
Entitlement: Free money, housing, food, medical care and whatever else we should be able to get from the government just for being here.
Equal: I get to do whatever I want and laws that disagree with that have to change to let me do it.
Fair share: Evil greedy businesses and corporations have more money than they need so they should give all that extra money to the government so it can give people like me whatever we want.
Flash mob: Underprivileged people taking what they want from greedy businesses who have more stuff than they need.
Freedom fighter: Anyone who attacks others who stand in the way of what they want.
Gang member: Underprivileged, good kid who was just having a little fun with a pistol when the cops got them into trouble.
Gang violence: Underprivileged good kids having some fun when the cops got them into trouble.
Government: One thing everyone belongs to, where we go to get our rights and free stuff we want.
Grant: Free money from the government for causes that make me feel good, like putting a crucifix in urine, saving the animals and the planet, and giving people like me what we want.
Gun: I like the government, hate killing or eating animals, and have security guards so I don’t need guns.
Gun Control: I don’t want people I don’t know or trust to have them, especially people who don’t agree with me.
Gun Violence: People who don’t agree with me who join the evil gun lobby, carry concealed weapons and keep pocket Constitutions within easy reach.
Healthcare: My right to have someone else pay to treat me for using street drugs, spreading infections in my man or ladyparts with numerous people I don’t know well, to provide free pills/implants/shots/abortions so I’m not punished with a baby, and make sure I get VIP treatment since I agree with and vote for people who give this to me.
Homelessness: Proof that businesses and corporations are evil. Also a popular excuse to ask the government for free money.
Immigrant: Someone who agrees with me that we deserve free stuff so I’m not going to stop them from voting to help get free stuff for all of us.
Job: What stupid people do until they learn they have the right to get free stuff. Or something you get from the government that lasts until you’re 50 and can retire from doing as little as possible in an office that hires people to do pointless tasks and travel to luxury seminars where you live the frat party life for a few days.
Looting: See spread the wealth and flash mob.
Mass shootings: Why we need to ban guns.
Military: The wasteful part of the government that uses guns, makes me register for the draft and spends money it could use to take care of everybody.
Murder: Killing animals and people that agree with me.
Population control: Keeping the planet safe for everyone like me while making life hard for anyone who disagrees. Also good for cleaning up places people like me want to visit without being annoyed by traffic or crowds.
Protest: When people who agree with me demand the free stuff we’re entitled to get from the government. Or to inflict damage on evil businesses and greedy corporations that don’t give me what I want so I can do what I like. Or who inflict damage on the military for using up money the government could have used to take care of me.
Racism: What I scream when someone stops me from getting my way or catches me doing something cops don’t like. Even if 75% of my ancestry is pasty white American, I claim any tinge of brown as my “race.” And if it’s not there, I make it up.
Redistribution: Taking extra money from people who don’t need it to give it to people who do.
Rich: Someone who has more than I do.
Self-defense: Striking the other side before they can hurt me.
Senior citizen: Someone who doesn’t agree with me and competes with me for benefits from the government.
Sierra Club: Experienced protestors who use environmental regulations to retaliate against businesses and corporations for not giving people like me whatever we want.
Socialism: What we live for until we can get communism.
Spread the wealth: Take extra money from the rich, from greedy businesses and corporations, and from the military to give to people like me.
Union: People who ensure that businesses and corporations give most of their money to them so they can help people like me get free stuff from the government instead of giving it to people who disagree with us.
Taxpayer: Since the evil, greedy businesses and corporations don’t pay their fair share, the government still has to charge sales tax to people like me when we buy their stuff with the money the government can afford to give them.
Terrorist: Someone who threatens to deny me stuff I want and won’t let me do what I want and people who put freedom fighters in prison.
Veteran: Somebody who usually doesn’t agree with me and competes with me for government benefits.
Victim: People who cops, prosecutors, prisons, or the military caught or punished for doing what they enjoy, people denied what they want or need by greedy people, greedy corporations, and especially by the Republicans.
Worker: People who agree with me who may or may not have paid jobs but advance the cause of removing all barriers that keep us from doing or getting what we want.
North Korea’s inexperienced young dictator, Kim Jong Un, may be lashing out at the world to deflect blame for chronic food shortages. His ill-fed troops can’t help but have noticed his baby-fat hands, many chins and well-rounded face.
The young despot may know his troops’ first loyalty is to food and that their resolve does not extend to being shot at. They’re hungry, desperate and resent Un’s well-fed appearance that wordlessly proves food is available for
the well-connected. In a society where everyone is supposedly equal, the dictator’s baby-fat hands and cheeks blaspheme communism’s central premise. Un’s round face contrasts ominously with the hollow-cheeked, angular forms of his whipcord lean troops.
Strategists assume North Korean troops will stream across the border and engage the South Korean and US defenders. They’re failing to account for the food factor. Un must dread the possibility that his troops will rush into civilized South Korea, then learn for themselves that food is affordable, readily available and wonderfully diverse. Moreover, the South Korean lifestyle abounds with comfortable housing, conveniences and amenities largely absent in the North. North Korean troop defections would skyrocket by the time they arrived at their first shopping mall. My prediction is that troop movements would deteriorate from an invasion into mass defection as they penetrate into the tantalizing aromas and sights of the South.
In his desperate circumstances, troop movements will inevitably result in encounters with the abundance of South Korea’s free society. Power-crazed Kim Jong Un can’t afford to risk his people’s discovery that their pudgy leader has kept them captive and starving. This is why I believe he will launch at least one missile strike at South Korea and another at the United States to exact revenge for food shortages. He may have acquired a ship or submarine to launch a missile strike from near our shores deep into our heartland. Until he can pare his porky paunch, he is the best visual aid of what’s wrong in North Korea. And the abundance of the South confirms that a free, capitalistic society provides better opportunities for most of its citizens than the harsh controls of a communist country produces for all of theirs.
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